IT is terribly depressing when you learn so much about yourself from observing the people you hate most.

WE MADE YOU!!!

AH, 2010. A memorable year for everyone and their country cousins – most of who are probably preparing for India’s Got Talent 3

The talent here being curing homosexuality.

 and here it’s swallowing self dignity as much as swallowing… errr… well, moving on…

2010. The year when Albus Dumbledore posthumously came out of the closet; Amitabh Bachchan confessed to being a farmer (no, not on Farmville, dumass!!!); Ajmal Kasab gave hope to countless Bihari’s after speaking in impeccable Marathi; the year when politicians took away all your money but instead gave you a cool looking symbol for it; the year when Akshay Kumar tried to ban the word ‘retard’, more out of self defense than anything; when Facebook sex became a real thing; when even Princess Diana came to watch the Commonwealth Games; when North Korea forgot that they were atheists; and the pope allowed you to use condoms but only to prevent AIDS.

What a great day to be a condom, eh Sharman?

But that’s not what this post is about. This is a rant. A full-blooded rant about the complete lack of imagination on the part of those guys who make up awards.

Don’t get me wrong. I love awards – being born in India who doesn’t?

But as compared to those guys abroad our awards seem sorta lame. All we seem to have is an award for good acting, bad acting, bad acting masquerading as good acting and awards for putting the ‘idiot’ in our idiot boxes.

But look at these firangis. They have awards for everything. They have awards for peace; for paranormal fraud; for the worst opening line to a fiction novel and an award for stupidity.

Say whaaa?!?

Hell, they even have awards for filing the most ridiculous lawsuit; for discovering the most enterprising and novel way to die and for bad sex!!!

India’s official entry at the bad sex competition this year

AND although I’ve said that I love awards the following is a list of some awards that I’d like to see being given sometime in the future. And for the sake of clarity, there’s even the name of the winners.

LOONEY TUNE AWARD: SARAH PALIN

"HE is an anti-American operative with blood on his hands, why was he not pursued with the same urgency we pursue al-Qaida and Taliban leaders?" -- Sarah Palin, on WikiLeaks’ founder Julian Assange.

The world’s gonna end in 2012; Sarah Palin is US presidential front runner in 2012; and she can’t differentiate between a terrorist and a whistleblower (or North Korea and South Korea for that matter). Now picture her with her finger carelessly resting on the US’ nuclear button.

the kid is a metaphor for the world when Palin becomes US Prez

  

POETIC JUSTICE AWARD: Hojatoleslam Kazem Seddiqi, Iranian cleric.

IT all started with Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Seddiqi saying, "Many women, who do not dress modestly lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes… Iranians should adapt their lives to Islam’s moral codes to avoid being buried under the rubble."

That’s right! IMMODESTLY DRESSED WOMEN LEAD TO EARTHQUAKES. Ridiculous, eh? One forward-thinking American belle thought the same. So much so, that she based a complete campaign called ‘BOOBQUAKE’ around it. The campaign, aimed at making the cleric feel stupid, was to have women bare their cleavages in public. That, however, didn’t go exactly as per plan since THIS HAPPENED.

Who’s laughing now, eh?

AND this caused the recession!!! True story.

2+2=5 AWARD: Facebook campaign to raise awareness for breast cancer

THIS idea was probably the product of overestimating the power of virtual activism AND/OR a ridiculously off-logic idea born out of a complete lack of imagination coupled with a craving for attention.

Here’s what happened if you weren’t paying attention.

A few months back, men on Facebook woke up to females randomly posting colours as their status updates. These turned out to be the bra colours that the girl happened to be wearing and the campaign was to raise awareness for breast cancer in a kinky way of its own.

Did the campaign raise awareness about breast cancer? Probably, but it definitely strengthened the stereotype that females can be pretty stupid. Oh, and no recorded earthquakes happened that day.

ROLE MODEL TO TROLL AWARD: Kiran Bedi

HIGHEST ranked woman officer in India; Ramon Magsaysay award winner; First Indian woman officer in the UN; Brand ambassador for Ariel! Judge in a reality television kangaroo court!

That’s right. With Aap Ki Kacheri, this woman, who should’ve known better, settles domestic disputes between consenting adults. Talk about taking the law in your hands. Oh, did I mention that Ms (Mrs?) Bedi puts herself in direct comparison with Rakhi Sawant in the process. What the KHAP!!!

I wasn’t quite sure if Ms (Mrs!) Bedi deserved this spot until I discovered this:

 A delightful little snippet from the book, just to elaborate.

THAT's right. this also applies in the case of post-marriage, first night jitters.
PRACTISE IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. OR WITH IT.

‘DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK, I SWEAR’ AWARD: PARIS HILTON

AS far as juvenile excuses go, even those seemingly-stupid parents who tell their kids that God sent a stork to drop them off while they were a baby can’t beat Paris Hilton.

On being caught by the Los Angeles cops with cocaine in her handbag, the 'teenager' claimed, “I thought it was gum.”      

DUMBNESS?!? THIS IS SPARTA!!!

But it ain’t entirely Hilton’s fault. With her bosom routinely getting in the way of her thinking and clouding her vision, no one in America expects Hilton to ever make sense. Or set an example.

For things such as setting an example, Americans turn to guys like these

‘LOOK MA, I’M ON TV’ AWARD: LALIT BHANOT

SPOTLIGHT Anxiety is a fairly common disorder amongst borderline celebrities and is usually known to leave behind a lifelong tan. The same seems to have happened to dear old Lalit Bhanot here…

WORST ATTEMPT AT SPIN DOCTOR-Y AWARD: TIMES OF INDIA
IF you read the whole story you'd realise that the headline is a little misleading. maybe the term 'little' here is also is little misleading.

And then there are the following awards that are pretty self-explanatory.  

MISERY REPEATS ITSELF AWARD: GOLMAAL 3

RIOT IN PATRIOT AWARD: SHIV SENA

COMMONSENSE AND COMMONWEALTH DON’T GO HAND IN HAND

Somewhere in August, when news reports of  toilet paper costing Rs. 3575 a roll and rented treadmills costing Rs. 9 lakh a piece started playing out on TV screens most Indians probably said to themselves ‘All politicians are corrupt’.

On August 31, when India missed the 4^th deadline for the completion of the stadiums, the stock response used was ‘We are like this only’.

In the month that followed, hell broke loose. A terrorist attack, bridge collapse and a botched Games anthem later, the common man decided to change the channel muttering to himself ‘The media are like this only. One negative issue and they sensationalise it for a month.’

A week later when he switched on the channel again there was some firang on his TV, obviously someone important, but he was criticizing the way India was handling the Games (Read questioning India’s capability to host an international event). This inclusion of foreign hand into the picture provoked knee jerk patriotism like the country had never seen before. It was Us v/s Them now. ‘India’s pride was at stake’ he thundered on whatever social networking site he was active on. E-mails were composed, letters were written to editors of newspapers. Some smart ass even used sanitized pictures of the CWG stadiums to prove that the media was ‘wrong!’ and posted them on Facebook along with snapshots of A.P.J. Abdul Kalam’s speech to the nation asking to be positive yada yada… ‘India’s pride is at stake’, the common man urged to whoever would listen. ‘Let’s make this a success. Let’s shut those open moths!’ 

An eternal optimist was created that day — one living in a cocoon with walls made of leakproof denial ad patriotism. And lo! Things started seeming rosy again.

The media, probably sensing a change in the mood, decided to focus on the positives. One dark-circled news anchor asked the nation if it was time to concentrate on the athletes. The Games venues were declared fantastic. Not much was said about Indian athletes being forced to practice elsewhere thereby reducing the ‘home advantage’.

One media channel, however, refused to let go. ‘The Games are spoiling India’s image’ was the plot. ‘Should India CANCEL the Games’ they wondered aloud in a bid to stand out. Two hyperventilating ‘experts’ made sure they did. The fact that canceling the Games would permanently dent the image of the nation was conveniently ignored. So was the fact that India would have to pay a hefty fine.

The foreign athletes still complained about trivial issues like nagging wives. But Lalit Bhanot shut them up with something about subjectivity of hygiene.

Then came the moment every Indian worth his lacto-calamined skin would be proud of. THE OPENING CEREMONY. Many of them saw it. Most of them loved it. All of them talked about it.

The smug patriot claimed victory by the virtue of the country hosting a successful Opening Ceremony. The war had ended. Pride had been salvaged. And then, probably too tired due to over exerting his patriotism, he went on a vacation. Probably spent Rs. 200 to see Rajnikant in Robot running faster than bullets or shooting ten guns at a time or other escapist stuff like. Or maybe saw (gulp!) Anjana Anjani, or Khichdi.

Amid all this, no one noticed the athlete. No one noticed Anisa Sayyed who created a CWG record in front of half-empty stands at the Karni Singh shooting range. It doesn’t matter if her middle class family mortgaged ornaments to keep her in the sport. It doesn’t matter that every pellet she shot for the past 5 years cost Rs. 22.

These athletes who are medal winners one day are being relegated to mere statistics the next day itself. A statistic for the greedy politician to pass off as a personal achievement. ‘I told you this will be the Best Games Ever.’ A statistic for the smug optimist to feel proud about. After all, ‘we won 60 medals this year’ (hopefully). So what if both won’t remember most of the medal winner’s names in about a week.

The stadiums were half empty. No one bothered with DD Sports. Or if they did, they probably changed channels wondering, ‘Why isn’t cricket included in CWG?’

And what happens to the athlete? Well, he probably goes back to his/her day job as a railway clerk. Or if you are Anisa Sayyed, who’s won two gold medals by now, you’d look for a new job because railways didn’t let you transfer to Delhi to practice shooting and had to quit. Home ground advantage, anyone? National pride?

Probably in a year or two, the athlete would be disillusioned and will quit for greener pastures like MBA (remember Viren Rasquinha?). When that happens, what happens to national pride, eh?

‘Arre yaar gimme a break. I didn’t watch any sport but the Games were successful na!’

Yes. Half empty stadiums and Games were successful. Or as Kalmadi puts it ‘World Class’. Go figure.

We should try for the Olympics now. So that we can again remodel the Jawaharlal Nehru stadium at a cost of RS. 961 crores and have another splendid opening ceremony there. ‘We are like this only’. Why?

IGNORANCE and BLISS: A VENN Diagram

JUST INJEST

DISCLAIMER: ALMOST ALL DETAILS IN THE FOLLOWING “NEWS REPORTS” ARE A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION AND HAVE BEEN EXAGGERATED TO TITILATE THE READERS. NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE BEING WRITTEN ABOUT HERE.

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HEAD: TIWARI QUITS POST; OFFERED BRAND AMBASSADOR’S JOB

COPY: A.P Governor N.D.Tiwari, 84, has resigned after he was found in bed with 3 women in a compromising position. A source close to Tiwari claimed that Tiwari often complained of “being very lonesome at nights”. However, in a positive development, a leading Shilajit company has approached him to be their brand ambassador. A spokesperson for the brand said that they had been long searching for a ‘macho’ personality to associate with their brand. In Tiwari they seem to have struck two distinct qualities- a phallic urge to experiment and a seasoned veteran of many ‘lonely’ battles.

***

HEAD: RAKHI SAWANT DONATES IMPLANTS FOR RAISING AWARENESS

COPY: Rakhi Sawant has decided to permanently end her partnership with her trusted aides and has taken the first step to being “all natural”. The pictures of Sawant proudly showing off her unreal assets, a souvenir that adorns millions of screen savers worldwide, is now only a grim remainder of the Sawant of old. On being asked the reason behind the move, Sawant claimed that it was aimed at creating awareness for breast cancer and the move was inspired by a recent Facebook campaign for the same cause. On the day this news was reported by the mainstream media, the stock market crashed 465 points under mysterious circumstances. Stock analysts are yet to establish a conclusive link between the two busts.

In other Rakhi Sawant news, Sawant has also admitted to having sent her clean under-linen to the censor board to protest against their move to censor certain words in a song that she features in. She claimed to be ‘inspired’ by last year’s Pink Chaddi campaign.

***

HEAD: AVIKA GOR’S AWARD RAISES ZOOZOO HOPES

COPY: Avika Gor, the female protagonist of the nation’s favourite “Balika Vadhu” has been awarded the Rajiv Gandhi child prodigy award for her acting. The Vodafone zoozoos were understandably upset at losing out this year and one of them claimed that giving away the award to Gor has “hurt their sentiments”. The zoozoos, however, are a spirited bunch and displaying firm faith in Providence said that they will raise the bar this year and try harder for the award.

***

HEAD: NAKED ZOOZOOS OUTRAGE NATION’S MODESTY

COPY: Hundreds of workers of a political party barged into the offices of Ogilvy and Mather in Mumbai and smashed some tables and windows. The party claimed that O&M’s zoozoo ads were a “vulgar depiction of the human body that went against the Indian culture”. The party also presented the ad agency traditional saris to cover up the female zoozoos and give an Indian touch to the ads.

A few weeks earlier, the office of O&M was attacked by a different political party claiming that the “white” zoozoos were “playing on Indian insecurities” and “reinforcing fairness as an ideal”. The zoozoos seemed defiant but this reporter could not be sure owing to a language barrier. However, the words “soft target” could be heard distinctly amongst all the frantic protests.

***

HEAD: AGEING MAYAWATI STATUES CONFUSE STATE

COPY: The pollution in and around the state of Uttar Pradesh seems to have taken a toll on Mayawati’s statues. Many observers of the state of UP have claimed that the statues are not only turning “darker” but also seem to be “ageing at a considerable pace”. These independent observers also stated that the living conditions of these statues will reflect poorly on the state and the present Government. A full fledged investigation has been launched by the state police to probe if political sabotage is the reason. However, until the cause and the culprits are found the UP Govt. has ordered a million bottles of Olay Total Effects as a stop gap solution after watching an ad featuring filmstar Kajol.

***

HEAD: SWINE FLU DEADLIER THAN ANTHRAX: AL QAEDA

COPY: After many years of staying silent in the face of repeated US allegations, Al Qaeda today has come out in the strong defense of Iraq’s slain leader Saddam Hussein. A leader of the organization claimed that the biological warfare that Saddam and other religious extremists were accused of waging had caused fewer casualties than the swine flu epidemic that hit the world last year. The leader, who could not be identified, also blamed USA and Mexico for spreading the epidemic to the world. The leader also threatened the Western World with dire consequences if they tried to spread Swine Flu to Afghanistan or other Arabic countries.

***

HEAD: TV CHANNEL EXPOSES ALIENS

COPY: After stating that the demand and prices of sugar was likely to come down in the following years due to diabetes, Union Agriculture minister Sharad Pawar has said that the price of milk is likely to rise in the coming months. The reason behind this rise was not disclosed to the media.

However, in another fine example of investigative reporting, IndiaTV has exposed what could be the real reason for the scarcity of milk in the country. The following are some exclusive tv grabs from the channel.

***

THAT’S ALL FOLKS!!!

Poetic Justice.

‘People would not appreciate those clothes’, the preachy Keralite housewife warned the young Italian couple. I, however, begged to differ having seen the intense attention the Italian girl was getting. Word had spread. Everywhere up and down the train eyes were lighting up. People from every corner of the train were submitting to the spontaneous impulse to take a walk. Everyone wanted a piece of the smiling ‘firang’ in hot pants. (And I might add that this IS appreciation enough for clothes).
The housewife took no notice and kept speaking. Her lists of do’s and don’ts kept coming. Advice poured and everyone around her was drenched. Then she started talking about stuff that had no connection to anything. She went on about culture, tradition, morals, clothes- you get the drift. The helpless Italians just nodded not knowing what had set her off. The housewife, in fact, was so eager to impress on her values that she impulsively kept adjusting her dupatta. Her little kids, apparently hurt by the mother’s disinterest, were lying on the top berth staring at the roof for solace.
And then it happened.
Touch Me Touch Me Touch Me
Ah Zara Zara
Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me
Ah Zara Zara
Hold Me Hold Me Hold Me
Ah Zara Zara
Oooo ooo ooo.
sings the 7 yr old girl at the top of her shrill voice. The Italians are surprised; I am shaking with laughter while the housewife just manages a lame smile in response. An awkward silence followed. Eating humble pie didn’t suit the housewife, it constipated her ego. The rest of the journey passed in peace (sadly) with the housewife maintaining a dignified silence.

BOTTOMLINE: Save yourself the blushes, use protection. As you sow, so shall you reap.

LOST AND FOUND...

I’ll be wearing a white mundu and am hoping it rains. Then, I’ll enter the temple. IN YOUR FACE,GOD…….random fantasizing before my visit to Kerala.

I wore a mundu just for the heck of it. I went inside the temple cause an uncle highly boasted about the temple and insisted that I see the beauty of the temple which highly intrigued me and cause by then it had indeed rained! I enter the temple grinning madly.
Now 1stly this temple wants men to enter the temple bare chested and without shoes, wearing just a mundu. And then they expect me to buy oil to pour in a gigantic diya- like after being stripped off my pants I’ll carry my wallet in my underwear! As soon as I enter, a pundit hands me a vessel filled with oil and asks me to hand over 10 rupees. I say I don’t have money. He smiles and pointing his hands heaven wards says ‘Narayan Narayan’ and takes away the oil with the same slickness that he’s handed it to me.
Now, this temple is so enormous that I didn’t even reach till the idol. So big, in fact, that I have to ask people for the Exit. They frown but show me the direction. Apparently, this temple has 4 exits- a fact I didn’t know then. And as expected, I take the wrong exit- something named the North Nada which leads out in the exact back of the temple.
There I am- in a city that is highly reluctant to speak either English or Hindi and whose language I can’t understand. I have no shoes on, no money, no idea of where the hell I am, in an area that’s not exactly lit up to my liking and half naked with my nipples showing. To make matters worse everywhere I look around me I see hefty guys talking amongst themselves. And somehow none of those people find it funny, apart from me. Finally I spot an elderly woman who looks highly unlikely to mug me. I try asking her for the main enterance and her 1st reaction is to hide her gold necklace with her palm and she keeps walking in the opposite direction averting me- like I was a threat to her! I start walking vaguely in the direction that I’ve assumed my pious family to be waiting for me. I have to walk almost 500 meters barefeet, around a big pond!!! And as my family would later point out, the idol was the highlight of the temple and not the stone-carved exterior of the temple.

God did have the last laugh that day. And Murphy might have done the I-told-you-so in his grave.
Narayan Narayan.