PETTY QUOTE #2

The only difference between AIADMK and DMK is that the latter has dispensed off the vowels.

A SOP BAZAAR IN TAMIL NADU 

PETTY QUOTE

If cricket is a religion, arrest me for blasphemy.

WE MADE YOU!!!

AH, 2010. A memorable year for everyone and their country cousins – most of who are probably preparing for India’s Got Talent 3

The talent here being curing homosexuality.

 and here it’s swallowing self dignity as much as swallowing… errr… well, moving on…

2010. The year when Albus Dumbledore posthumously came out of the closet; Amitabh Bachchan confessed to being a farmer (no, not on Farmville, dumass!!!); Ajmal Kasab gave hope to countless Bihari’s after speaking in impeccable Marathi; the year when politicians took away all your money but instead gave you a cool looking symbol for it; the year when Akshay Kumar tried to ban the word ‘retard’, more out of self defense than anything; when Facebook sex became a real thing; when even Princess Diana came to watch the Commonwealth Games; when North Korea forgot that they were atheists; and the pope allowed you to use condoms but only to prevent AIDS.

What a great day to be a condom, eh Sharman?

But that’s not what this post is about. This is a rant. A full-blooded rant about the complete lack of imagination on the part of those guys who make up awards.

Don’t get me wrong. I love awards – being born in India who doesn’t?

But as compared to those guys abroad our awards seem sorta lame. All we seem to have is an award for good acting, bad acting, bad acting masquerading as good acting and awards for putting the ‘idiot’ in our idiot boxes.

But look at these firangis. They have awards for everything. They have awards for peace; for paranormal fraud; for the worst opening line to a fiction novel and an award for stupidity.

Say whaaa?!?

Hell, they even have awards for filing the most ridiculous lawsuit; for discovering the most enterprising and novel way to die and for bad sex!!!

India’s official entry at the bad sex competition this year

AND although I’ve said that I love awards the following is a list of some awards that I’d like to see being given sometime in the future. And for the sake of clarity, there’s even the name of the winners.

LOONEY TUNE AWARD: SARAH PALIN

"HE is an anti-American operative with blood on his hands, why was he not pursued with the same urgency we pursue al-Qaida and Taliban leaders?" -- Sarah Palin, on WikiLeaks’ founder Julian Assange.

The world’s gonna end in 2012; Sarah Palin is US presidential front runner in 2012; and she can’t differentiate between a terrorist and a whistleblower (or North Korea and South Korea for that matter). Now picture her with her finger carelessly resting on the US’ nuclear button.

the kid is a metaphor for the world when Palin becomes US Prez

  

POETIC JUSTICE AWARD: Hojatoleslam Kazem Seddiqi, Iranian cleric.

IT all started with Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Seddiqi saying, "Many women, who do not dress modestly lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes… Iranians should adapt their lives to Islam’s moral codes to avoid being buried under the rubble."

That’s right! IMMODESTLY DRESSED WOMEN LEAD TO EARTHQUAKES. Ridiculous, eh? One forward-thinking American belle thought the same. So much so, that she based a complete campaign called ‘BOOBQUAKE’ around it. The campaign, aimed at making the cleric feel stupid, was to have women bare their cleavages in public. That, however, didn’t go exactly as per plan since THIS HAPPENED.

Who’s laughing now, eh?

AND this caused the recession!!! True story.

2+2=5 AWARD: Facebook campaign to raise awareness for breast cancer

THIS idea was probably the product of overestimating the power of virtual activism AND/OR a ridiculously off-logic idea born out of a complete lack of imagination coupled with a craving for attention.

Here’s what happened if you weren’t paying attention.

A few months back, men on Facebook woke up to females randomly posting colours as their status updates. These turned out to be the bra colours that the girl happened to be wearing and the campaign was to raise awareness for breast cancer in a kinky way of its own.

Did the campaign raise awareness about breast cancer? Probably, but it definitely strengthened the stereotype that females can be pretty stupid. Oh, and no recorded earthquakes happened that day.

ROLE MODEL TO TROLL AWARD: Kiran Bedi

HIGHEST ranked woman officer in India; Ramon Magsaysay award winner; First Indian woman officer in the UN; Brand ambassador for Ariel! Judge in a reality television kangaroo court!

That’s right. With Aap Ki Kacheri, this woman, who should’ve known better, settles domestic disputes between consenting adults. Talk about taking the law in your hands. Oh, did I mention that Ms (Mrs?) Bedi puts herself in direct comparison with Rakhi Sawant in the process. What the KHAP!!!

I wasn’t quite sure if Ms (Mrs!) Bedi deserved this spot until I discovered this:

 A delightful little snippet from the book, just to elaborate.

THAT's right. this also applies in the case of post-marriage, first night jitters.
PRACTISE IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. OR WITH IT.

‘DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK, I SWEAR’ AWARD: PARIS HILTON

AS far as juvenile excuses go, even those seemingly-stupid parents who tell their kids that God sent a stork to drop them off while they were a baby can’t beat Paris Hilton.

On being caught by the Los Angeles cops with cocaine in her handbag, the 'teenager' claimed, “I thought it was gum.”      

DUMBNESS?!? THIS IS SPARTA!!!

But it ain’t entirely Hilton’s fault. With her bosom routinely getting in the way of her thinking and clouding her vision, no one in America expects Hilton to ever make sense. Or set an example.

For things such as setting an example, Americans turn to guys like these

‘LOOK MA, I’M ON TV’ AWARD: LALIT BHANOT

SPOTLIGHT Anxiety is a fairly common disorder amongst borderline celebrities and is usually known to leave behind a lifelong tan. The same seems to have happened to dear old Lalit Bhanot here…

WORST ATTEMPT AT SPIN DOCTOR-Y AWARD: TIMES OF INDIA
IF you read the whole story you'd realise that the headline is a little misleading. maybe the term 'little' here is also is little misleading.

And then there are the following awards that are pretty self-explanatory.  

MISERY REPEATS ITSELF AWARD: GOLMAAL 3

RIOT IN PATRIOT AWARD: SHIV SENA

COMMONSENSE AND COMMONWEALTH DON’T GO HAND IN HAND

Somewhere in August, when news reports of  toilet paper costing Rs. 3575 a roll and rented treadmills costing Rs. 9 lakh a piece started playing out on TV screens most Indians probably said to themselves ‘All politicians are corrupt’.

On August 31, when India missed the 4^th deadline for the completion of the stadiums, the stock response used was ‘We are like this only’.

In the month that followed, hell broke loose. A terrorist attack, bridge collapse and a botched Games anthem later, the common man decided to change the channel muttering to himself ‘The media are like this only. One negative issue and they sensationalise it for a month.’

A week later when he switched on the channel again there was some firang on his TV, obviously someone important, but he was criticizing the way India was handling the Games (Read questioning India’s capability to host an international event). This inclusion of foreign hand into the picture provoked knee jerk patriotism like the country had never seen before. It was Us v/s Them now. ‘India’s pride was at stake’ he thundered on whatever social networking site he was active on. E-mails were composed, letters were written to editors of newspapers. Some smart ass even used sanitized pictures of the CWG stadiums to prove that the media was ‘wrong!’ and posted them on Facebook along with snapshots of A.P.J. Abdul Kalam’s speech to the nation asking to be positive yada yada… ‘India’s pride is at stake’, the common man urged to whoever would listen. ‘Let’s make this a success. Let’s shut those open moths!’ 

An eternal optimist was created that day — one living in a cocoon with walls made of leakproof denial ad patriotism. And lo! Things started seeming rosy again.

The media, probably sensing a change in the mood, decided to focus on the positives. One dark-circled news anchor asked the nation if it was time to concentrate on the athletes. The Games venues were declared fantastic. Not much was said about Indian athletes being forced to practice elsewhere thereby reducing the ‘home advantage’.

One media channel, however, refused to let go. ‘The Games are spoiling India’s image’ was the plot. ‘Should India CANCEL the Games’ they wondered aloud in a bid to stand out. Two hyperventilating ‘experts’ made sure they did. The fact that canceling the Games would permanently dent the image of the nation was conveniently ignored. So was the fact that India would have to pay a hefty fine.

The foreign athletes still complained about trivial issues like nagging wives. But Lalit Bhanot shut them up with something about subjectivity of hygiene.

Then came the moment every Indian worth his lacto-calamined skin would be proud of. THE OPENING CEREMONY. Many of them saw it. Most of them loved it. All of them talked about it.

The smug patriot claimed victory by the virtue of the country hosting a successful Opening Ceremony. The war had ended. Pride had been salvaged. And then, probably too tired due to over exerting his patriotism, he went on a vacation. Probably spent Rs. 200 to see Rajnikant in Robot running faster than bullets or shooting ten guns at a time or other escapist stuff like. Or maybe saw (gulp!) Anjana Anjani, or Khichdi.

Amid all this, no one noticed the athlete. No one noticed Anisa Sayyed who created a CWG record in front of half-empty stands at the Karni Singh shooting range. It doesn’t matter if her middle class family mortgaged ornaments to keep her in the sport. It doesn’t matter that every pellet she shot for the past 5 years cost Rs. 22.

These athletes who are medal winners one day are being relegated to mere statistics the next day itself. A statistic for the greedy politician to pass off as a personal achievement. ‘I told you this will be the Best Games Ever.’ A statistic for the smug optimist to feel proud about. After all, ‘we won 60 medals this year’ (hopefully). So what if both won’t remember most of the medal winner’s names in about a week.

The stadiums were half empty. No one bothered with DD Sports. Or if they did, they probably changed channels wondering, ‘Why isn’t cricket included in CWG?’

And what happens to the athlete? Well, he probably goes back to his/her day job as a railway clerk. Or if you are Anisa Sayyed, who’s won two gold medals by now, you’d look for a new job because railways didn’t let you transfer to Delhi to practice shooting and had to quit. Home ground advantage, anyone? National pride?

Probably in a year or two, the athlete would be disillusioned and will quit for greener pastures like MBA (remember Viren Rasquinha?). When that happens, what happens to national pride, eh?

‘Arre yaar gimme a break. I didn’t watch any sport but the Games were successful na!’

Yes. Half empty stadiums and Games were successful. Or as Kalmadi puts it ‘World Class’. Go figure.

We should try for the Olympics now. So that we can again remodel the Jawaharlal Nehru stadium at a cost of RS. 961 crores and have another splendid opening ceremony there. ‘We are like this only’. Why?

PUN INVENTED

The Planning Commission has accepted the Tendulkar Committee report which holds 37 per cent of people in India below the poverty line.However, The Arjun Sengupta report says 77 per cent of Indians live on less than Rs 20 a day while the N C Saxena Committee report had said 50 per cent of people live below poverty. The fact above is a middle ground, hence has been taken from the N C Saxena report.

For a complete article, check P Sainath's blog.

IGNORANCE and BLISS: A VENN Diagram

FAIR ENOUGH? # 1

All fairy tales have a tail wagging nineteen to the dozen- happy endings. Finding true love and living happily ever after are the crux of every "widely-accepted" fairy tale told till date.
But what catches my attention the most in these feel-good tales is not how the good will always truimph over the evil by hook-or-by-crook in the end but how the good has always been the fairer race in such tales.
All the Cinderellas, the Sleeping Beauties, The Snow Whites (ahem), the Heidis and even the Pied Piper of Haemlin have been unusually fair! Disappointingly,there was never a dark man's fairy tale.
Life just isn't fair! (pun ignorable).

INDIA SHINING/ RISING/ GLOWING et al....

INDIA. “World’s largest democracy.” Where cigarette smoking is injurious to your health you know, but just in public places. It’s also injurious to others health- a minister points out (it’s his pet crusade). But the smoke from firecrackers isn’t injurious to your health. How can the joyful smoke from a firecracker, lit so innocently by a kid, ever have any ill- effect on me?
‘Come on, join in, will you? It’s Diwali, the festival of lights after all.’
The festival of lights, not of diyas anymore. Not those innocent lamps but Chinese made bulbs that blink. How swell! How grand!
Then comes Holi- the festival of colours once, now reduced to a festival of bathing in public (not necessarily with water) and a festival of gross water wastage by filling it in plastic bags (above 20 microns, of course. They “supposedly take less time to decompose and vanish from the face of this planet that we claim to be our “mother”).

INDIA- second largest population in the world (most of which you’ll find in Mumbai’s local trains).
INDIA- a place where you groan, moan, rant, complain (exactly what I am doing) and even file a P.I.L against famous people for being obscene/ vulgar just cause you have nothing else to do and need the publicity and media attention to give some worth to your "decent" lives.
INDIA- land of Bollywood, politics and cricket. A “secular” democracy. (Though I wonder if the people were ever asked if they wanted Democracy as a form of Government wherever it is that Democracy was thought of . What I mean is- were the citizens ever asked to vote or was there ever a plebiscite to know if the people ever wanted democracy as a form of Govt.? If not then that would imply that democracy was forced upon the people, rather un-democratically. Ironical!! Perhaps George Bernard Shaw summed it up aptly when he said, “Democracy is a system ensuring that you are governed no better than they deserve.” )
India; where a way of protesting against people having an opinion different to yours or people following a different ideology is to burn his effigies on the road.
‘That ought to change your mind’
Where a cricketer is deemed as God by the people but the same disciples don’t shy away from burning his posters or stoning his house if these “Gods” dare to lose a game in the World Cup.
‘That ought to be motivation enough to perform better.’
Well what can I say; we are the same country that burns the effigy of evil every year in Dussera.

A politician reminds me of my religion and caste (my roots, I should say).
‘Thanks; I was going through identity crises anyways.’
Same/ similar politician is wreaking havoc on the streets for some issue or the other (for want of better term lets call it a personal crusade. Against whom? Fellow countrymen, I think)
Politician goes around blackening couple’s faces for being found together on 14th feb (why not on other days, I wonder). But his actions can’t be banned. Ban dance bars, ban flash mobs, ban something else, anything but him. After all he’s a representative of, by and for the people! And hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Politician is kind to me. He noticed me when I gave my board exams. He took the trouble of preparing a hoarding just for my exam in which he postures with his thumb and pouts his lips as if to say “Best of Luck”. I feel inspired now. I enter the exam with a newfound gusto and determination. But ban those hoardings that that display commercial ads. I can’t afford branded products anyways, what with global recession and the economy collapsing. But that’s out of context. Why should I care? Let the rest of the world worry about it! All I want to do is go to a movie theater and watch an escapist movie, a no-brainer that has no plot but just over-priced actors serenading on the screen and which will hopefully help me to forget my troubles. But no boring movies please!
‘Art films, I like to call them.’
C’mon who wants to watch some movie about terrorism and crap like that? I don’t want to think while I’m watching the movie. I am just happy to munch on my popcorn and guffaw on the splendid humour.
INDIA- a nation with strong cultural roots. We can’t see women exposing on t.v. Actually we can, ‘But what if my child is watching it?’ His innocence is one virtue that I really care about. So ban adult content on t.v and I won’t even allow that damned school that my kid studies in to teach him Sex education.
‘No sir, I am not having you corrupting my gullible kid like this.’
And I don’t want alcohol or cigarette commercials on t.v. No commercials would mean that I can deny the existence of cigarettes and alcohol when I am sober (and continue to live in my self-righteous stupor).
Hypocrite, ain’t I? Aren’t we all?
Go complain about corruption and bribery in the system. And that’s exactly how low we’ll stoop to appease the authorities. ‘Bribery should be eradicated’, we shout and yet that’s exactly what we do. Caught by a cop for driving without license/a helmet- bribe him. Caught by a T.C for traveling without a ticket- bribe him too.
MORAL OF THIS STORY: Hypocrisy is everywhere; we are just too hypocritical to acknowledge it.

THE MEDIA:
I love the media. Without it who’ll tell me whom Kareena’s dating, who would have told me that Prince got out of that hole alive, who’ll tell me if Big B survived after his recent hospitalization, who’ll tell about the “exploitation” of ‘The Great Khali’ in WWE. The media is so considerate. It not only tells me the “truth” but also asks me to sms my opinion on it. No one’s ever done that to me before.

MORAL OF THIS STORY: Stupidity is everywhere; we are just too stupid to notice it.