STORY OF MY LIFE

Ssup, long time yaaa


Yea, been busy. Work. And stuff.


Ooooh, busy-weasy huh. Some1’s acting pricy :p


Errr, sure.


So, what do you do?


I’m a second-hand journalist.


Ooooh, journalist n all huh. Naice. which channel
Err, newspaper.


Lol. Which 1. Times?


No, Free Press Journal.


Oh ok never heard of it. is it available in india


Yes, if you ask for it.


Lol. :p so what do u write upon


Upon? On.


Duh! Yea


Errr, not in reporting, am a sub editor.


Oh, sounds interesting


It isnt.


Lol. So what do u do then


I check news reports for grammatical and, sometimes, factual accuracy on the World page.


Sounds interesting yaa


It isn’t.


Oh lol :d


so wht's happnin in the world today


Hosni Mubarak quit.


who?


Hosni Mubarak.


who's he?


President of Egypt.


oh, nice.


**awkward silence**


do u carry a jhola everywhere like they show on TV :p


No.


Lol ok. nice yaaa. So u guys must hve awsum genral knwldge n all


Yea, THAT and patience.


Whaaaa


Never mind.


Ok, so what else


Lol. Not a lot.


u must meet a lot of famous people na


No, not really.


Ummmm ok


Hey so are Priyanka and Shahid dating or just friends huh?




**Amit Kamath is offline. He will receive your messages when he signs back on. **

WE MADE YOU!!!

AH, 2010. A memorable year for everyone and their country cousins – most of who are probably preparing for India’s Got Talent 3

The talent here being curing homosexuality.

 and here it’s swallowing self dignity as much as swallowing… errr… well, moving on…

2010. The year when Albus Dumbledore posthumously came out of the closet; Amitabh Bachchan confessed to being a farmer (no, not on Farmville, dumass!!!); Ajmal Kasab gave hope to countless Bihari’s after speaking in impeccable Marathi; the year when politicians took away all your money but instead gave you a cool looking symbol for it; the year when Akshay Kumar tried to ban the word ‘retard’, more out of self defense than anything; when Facebook sex became a real thing; when even Princess Diana came to watch the Commonwealth Games; when North Korea forgot that they were atheists; and the pope allowed you to use condoms but only to prevent AIDS.

What a great day to be a condom, eh Sharman?

But that’s not what this post is about. This is a rant. A full-blooded rant about the complete lack of imagination on the part of those guys who make up awards.

Don’t get me wrong. I love awards – being born in India who doesn’t?

But as compared to those guys abroad our awards seem sorta lame. All we seem to have is an award for good acting, bad acting, bad acting masquerading as good acting and awards for putting the ‘idiot’ in our idiot boxes.

But look at these firangis. They have awards for everything. They have awards for peace; for paranormal fraud; for the worst opening line to a fiction novel and an award for stupidity.

Say whaaa?!?

Hell, they even have awards for filing the most ridiculous lawsuit; for discovering the most enterprising and novel way to die and for bad sex!!!

India’s official entry at the bad sex competition this year

AND although I’ve said that I love awards the following is a list of some awards that I’d like to see being given sometime in the future. And for the sake of clarity, there’s even the name of the winners.

LOONEY TUNE AWARD: SARAH PALIN

"HE is an anti-American operative with blood on his hands, why was he not pursued with the same urgency we pursue al-Qaida and Taliban leaders?" -- Sarah Palin, on WikiLeaks’ founder Julian Assange.

The world’s gonna end in 2012; Sarah Palin is US presidential front runner in 2012; and she can’t differentiate between a terrorist and a whistleblower (or North Korea and South Korea for that matter). Now picture her with her finger carelessly resting on the US’ nuclear button.

the kid is a metaphor for the world when Palin becomes US Prez

  

POETIC JUSTICE AWARD: Hojatoleslam Kazem Seddiqi, Iranian cleric.

IT all started with Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Seddiqi saying, "Many women, who do not dress modestly lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes… Iranians should adapt their lives to Islam’s moral codes to avoid being buried under the rubble."

That’s right! IMMODESTLY DRESSED WOMEN LEAD TO EARTHQUAKES. Ridiculous, eh? One forward-thinking American belle thought the same. So much so, that she based a complete campaign called ‘BOOBQUAKE’ around it. The campaign, aimed at making the cleric feel stupid, was to have women bare their cleavages in public. That, however, didn’t go exactly as per plan since THIS HAPPENED.

Who’s laughing now, eh?

AND this caused the recession!!! True story.

2+2=5 AWARD: Facebook campaign to raise awareness for breast cancer

THIS idea was probably the product of overestimating the power of virtual activism AND/OR a ridiculously off-logic idea born out of a complete lack of imagination coupled with a craving for attention.

Here’s what happened if you weren’t paying attention.

A few months back, men on Facebook woke up to females randomly posting colours as their status updates. These turned out to be the bra colours that the girl happened to be wearing and the campaign was to raise awareness for breast cancer in a kinky way of its own.

Did the campaign raise awareness about breast cancer? Probably, but it definitely strengthened the stereotype that females can be pretty stupid. Oh, and no recorded earthquakes happened that day.

ROLE MODEL TO TROLL AWARD: Kiran Bedi

HIGHEST ranked woman officer in India; Ramon Magsaysay award winner; First Indian woman officer in the UN; Brand ambassador for Ariel! Judge in a reality television kangaroo court!

That’s right. With Aap Ki Kacheri, this woman, who should’ve known better, settles domestic disputes between consenting adults. Talk about taking the law in your hands. Oh, did I mention that Ms (Mrs?) Bedi puts herself in direct comparison with Rakhi Sawant in the process. What the KHAP!!!

I wasn’t quite sure if Ms (Mrs!) Bedi deserved this spot until I discovered this:

 A delightful little snippet from the book, just to elaborate.

THAT's right. this also applies in the case of post-marriage, first night jitters.
PRACTISE IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR. OR WITH IT.

‘DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK, I SWEAR’ AWARD: PARIS HILTON

AS far as juvenile excuses go, even those seemingly-stupid parents who tell their kids that God sent a stork to drop them off while they were a baby can’t beat Paris Hilton.

On being caught by the Los Angeles cops with cocaine in her handbag, the 'teenager' claimed, “I thought it was gum.”      

DUMBNESS?!? THIS IS SPARTA!!!

But it ain’t entirely Hilton’s fault. With her bosom routinely getting in the way of her thinking and clouding her vision, no one in America expects Hilton to ever make sense. Or set an example.

For things such as setting an example, Americans turn to guys like these

‘LOOK MA, I’M ON TV’ AWARD: LALIT BHANOT

SPOTLIGHT Anxiety is a fairly common disorder amongst borderline celebrities and is usually known to leave behind a lifelong tan. The same seems to have happened to dear old Lalit Bhanot here…

WORST ATTEMPT AT SPIN DOCTOR-Y AWARD: TIMES OF INDIA
IF you read the whole story you'd realise that the headline is a little misleading. maybe the term 'little' here is also is little misleading.

And then there are the following awards that are pretty self-explanatory.  

MISERY REPEATS ITSELF AWARD: GOLMAAL 3

RIOT IN PATRIOT AWARD: SHIV SENA

A TEETOTALLER’S TALE

ON the second day of that wretched three day dry spell imposed on the state due to the Ayodhya verdict, a tiny bar at Nariman Point opens its door covertly to customers. But with a catch. The tables in the bar are back to their positions but the seats aren’t. The few customers present when I and a few colleagues reach there aren’t sitting. They stand.

The logic, as a senior colleague explains, is simple. ‘The drinks finish faster when you’re standing,’ he says smiling. And the faster they finish their drinks, the better. I wouldn’t argue with the logic. Not when the Govt imposes a three day dry period as a ‘preventive measure’. You know, because sober people (and the people who stock up alcohol for dry days at home) don’t riot. OR maybe I’ve had one Sprite too many.

GOD, FORSAKEN

"SATAN MADE ME DO THIS, I SWEAR!"

He was born on Friday, the 13th. And as if on cue or maybe taking offence to this obvious provocation, fate took a special liking to him. His troubles were not a consequence of human malice but of a higher conspiracy of nature — so much so, that there could be no plausible explanation to most of what befell him; although certainly none of it was arbitrary.
The day of his birth was probably where it all started — and for anyone who knew better, that should have been the day where it all ended. Alas! The newborn had no way of knowing, did He?
For the sake of clarity allow me to explain.
He was destined to be a God — a product arising from the union of the Universe’s first couple. His birth was prophesied by seers and the holy books. But apparently, fate had a mind of its on — one that frequently gave in to whims and would succumb to an impulse to roll up its sleeves and punch our Protagonist below the belt.
For, on the day of his birth, his mother miraculously produced another baby from her womb — one that would out-race our protagonist by a couple of hours and it were these hours that relegated our much-prophesied hero to an after-thought of sorts.
The world, he was to learn the hard way, could only accommodate one God at a time and his twin brother was to fill in those Royal boots — although not simply because of his first-born status.
The Gods are born to rule and not to be ruled. Our Protagonist, by virtue of His untimely birth, found Himself to be a direct contradiction to the Holy laws that could not be altered to accommodate anyone —more so, a redundant Prince. The consequences of His birth were to last Him a lifetime.
By now, I assume the reader has firmly grounded himself into the story. So, I shall delve deeper.
Fate, obviously relishing the role of a glorified mid-wife, continued giving our Protagonist only rotten lemons — ones that no matter how hard He tried wouldn’t yield to become decent lemonade.
Even as our Hero made the much sought after journey from the womb to the cradle, his father had handed over the Empire to Rufus (the first-born twin) in the first look itself — despite the vehement protestations of our Protagonist who came out kicking and screaming. Yet, his first impression found no takers. A general myopia seemed to have descended over the world — one so severe that it would ensure that the masses have eyes only for RUFUS — the one who inherited not only the throne but also the hereditary baggage.
Our protagonist, unimaginatively or (to be frank) uninterestedly named DITTO was treated like an uninvited gate crasher for the rest of his unfortunate life. In fact, Ditto could have cocooned himself in his mother’s womb firmly refusing to come out and no one would notice. No, not even the queasy mother who was too busy cooing over the handsome features of her first born.
It was only after a few hours, when Ditto set out to mark his territory, that the exultant parents realized that they had a problem of surplus. You see, Ditto, by the very fact of his existence, had made the pyramid of aristocracy top-heavy. And, aristocrats seldom bother themselves with concepts like equality. That explains the names, RUFUS: befitting a king and DITTO: an after-thought. Talk about beginners luck!
But wait, there’s more. The prophets and seers, their prophesy about the birth of A prince so rudely upturned by the apparition of two kids in the holy womb, vowed revenge and got it instantly for they claimed that it was Satan’s handiwork because only Satan could have hoodwinked their inner eye and that this unforeseen addition in the holy womb was a perverse joke by Satan. To add injury to insult, Ditto lacked an Adam’s apple — an aspect that was to conclusively sound the death knell on Ditto’s ambitions. Lesser mortals like us would quickly dismiss the absence of an Adam’s apple as banal or superfluous but for the Gods it was a matter of prime importance. It was considered becoming of a God to have a well-endowed Adam’s apple — their scriptures said so. And here were a pair of twins who were a mirror image of each other except for a pointy Adam’s apple.
The king, perhaps aware of the presence of His own genes in this ‘anomaly-of-a-son’ and how poorly it would reflect on Himself, downplayed the eccentricities of His ‘other’ offspring. Both were treated equally, at least for the benefit of the public.
And at this point, Ditto’s life was to have its first happy ending albeit a temporary one since, you must be aware, misery repeats itself. Ditto’s life was screwed because of Fate’s denial to mind its own business.
And after this, ladies and gentlemen, the plot sickens.
And to be honest, I don’t want to delve further into the unfortunate orgy of events that befell Ditto. But you get the drift.
Ditto was to live His life in utter translucence, which was convenient for everybody concerned. In fact, He soon started referring to himself in third person thereby trying to distance himself from the curse upon his life. His ego had been dented so badly that he could no longer look into the mirror and think of himself. Instead he thought of his older twin — the heir apparent. And there, Fate got its moral victory over its provocateur. The coup was complete.

IGNORANCE and BLISS: A VENN Diagram

JUST INJEST

DISCLAIMER: ALMOST ALL DETAILS IN THE FOLLOWING “NEWS REPORTS” ARE A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION AND HAVE BEEN EXAGGERATED TO TITILATE THE READERS. NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE BEING WRITTEN ABOUT HERE.

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HEAD: TIWARI QUITS POST; OFFERED BRAND AMBASSADOR’S JOB

COPY: A.P Governor N.D.Tiwari, 84, has resigned after he was found in bed with 3 women in a compromising position. A source close to Tiwari claimed that Tiwari often complained of “being very lonesome at nights”. However, in a positive development, a leading Shilajit company has approached him to be their brand ambassador. A spokesperson for the brand said that they had been long searching for a ‘macho’ personality to associate with their brand. In Tiwari they seem to have struck two distinct qualities- a phallic urge to experiment and a seasoned veteran of many ‘lonely’ battles.

***

HEAD: RAKHI SAWANT DONATES IMPLANTS FOR RAISING AWARENESS

COPY: Rakhi Sawant has decided to permanently end her partnership with her trusted aides and has taken the first step to being “all natural”. The pictures of Sawant proudly showing off her unreal assets, a souvenir that adorns millions of screen savers worldwide, is now only a grim remainder of the Sawant of old. On being asked the reason behind the move, Sawant claimed that it was aimed at creating awareness for breast cancer and the move was inspired by a recent Facebook campaign for the same cause. On the day this news was reported by the mainstream media, the stock market crashed 465 points under mysterious circumstances. Stock analysts are yet to establish a conclusive link between the two busts.

In other Rakhi Sawant news, Sawant has also admitted to having sent her clean under-linen to the censor board to protest against their move to censor certain words in a song that she features in. She claimed to be ‘inspired’ by last year’s Pink Chaddi campaign.

***

HEAD: AVIKA GOR’S AWARD RAISES ZOOZOO HOPES

COPY: Avika Gor, the female protagonist of the nation’s favourite “Balika Vadhu” has been awarded the Rajiv Gandhi child prodigy award for her acting. The Vodafone zoozoos were understandably upset at losing out this year and one of them claimed that giving away the award to Gor has “hurt their sentiments”. The zoozoos, however, are a spirited bunch and displaying firm faith in Providence said that they will raise the bar this year and try harder for the award.

***

HEAD: NAKED ZOOZOOS OUTRAGE NATION’S MODESTY

COPY: Hundreds of workers of a political party barged into the offices of Ogilvy and Mather in Mumbai and smashed some tables and windows. The party claimed that O&M’s zoozoo ads were a “vulgar depiction of the human body that went against the Indian culture”. The party also presented the ad agency traditional saris to cover up the female zoozoos and give an Indian touch to the ads.

A few weeks earlier, the office of O&M was attacked by a different political party claiming that the “white” zoozoos were “playing on Indian insecurities” and “reinforcing fairness as an ideal”. The zoozoos seemed defiant but this reporter could not be sure owing to a language barrier. However, the words “soft target” could be heard distinctly amongst all the frantic protests.

***

HEAD: AGEING MAYAWATI STATUES CONFUSE STATE

COPY: The pollution in and around the state of Uttar Pradesh seems to have taken a toll on Mayawati’s statues. Many observers of the state of UP have claimed that the statues are not only turning “darker” but also seem to be “ageing at a considerable pace”. These independent observers also stated that the living conditions of these statues will reflect poorly on the state and the present Government. A full fledged investigation has been launched by the state police to probe if political sabotage is the reason. However, until the cause and the culprits are found the UP Govt. has ordered a million bottles of Olay Total Effects as a stop gap solution after watching an ad featuring filmstar Kajol.

***

HEAD: SWINE FLU DEADLIER THAN ANTHRAX: AL QAEDA

COPY: After many years of staying silent in the face of repeated US allegations, Al Qaeda today has come out in the strong defense of Iraq’s slain leader Saddam Hussein. A leader of the organization claimed that the biological warfare that Saddam and other religious extremists were accused of waging had caused fewer casualties than the swine flu epidemic that hit the world last year. The leader, who could not be identified, also blamed USA and Mexico for spreading the epidemic to the world. The leader also threatened the Western World with dire consequences if they tried to spread Swine Flu to Afghanistan or other Arabic countries.

***

HEAD: TV CHANNEL EXPOSES ALIENS

COPY: After stating that the demand and prices of sugar was likely to come down in the following years due to diabetes, Union Agriculture minister Sharad Pawar has said that the price of milk is likely to rise in the coming months. The reason behind this rise was not disclosed to the media.

However, in another fine example of investigative reporting, IndiaTV has exposed what could be the real reason for the scarcity of milk in the country. The following are some exclusive tv grabs from the channel.

***

THAT’S ALL FOLKS!!!

Poetic Justice.

‘People would not appreciate those clothes’, the preachy Keralite housewife warned the young Italian couple. I, however, begged to differ having seen the intense attention the Italian girl was getting. Word had spread. Everywhere up and down the train eyes were lighting up. People from every corner of the train were submitting to the spontaneous impulse to take a walk. Everyone wanted a piece of the smiling ‘firang’ in hot pants. (And I might add that this IS appreciation enough for clothes).
The housewife took no notice and kept speaking. Her lists of do’s and don’ts kept coming. Advice poured and everyone around her was drenched. Then she started talking about stuff that had no connection to anything. She went on about culture, tradition, morals, clothes- you get the drift. The helpless Italians just nodded not knowing what had set her off. The housewife, in fact, was so eager to impress on her values that she impulsively kept adjusting her dupatta. Her little kids, apparently hurt by the mother’s disinterest, were lying on the top berth staring at the roof for solace.
And then it happened.
Touch Me Touch Me Touch Me
Ah Zara Zara
Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me
Ah Zara Zara
Hold Me Hold Me Hold Me
Ah Zara Zara
Oooo ooo ooo.
sings the 7 yr old girl at the top of her shrill voice. The Italians are surprised; I am shaking with laughter while the housewife just manages a lame smile in response. An awkward silence followed. Eating humble pie didn’t suit the housewife, it constipated her ego. The rest of the journey passed in peace (sadly) with the housewife maintaining a dignified silence.

BOTTOMLINE: Save yourself the blushes, use protection. As you sow, so shall you reap.