JUST INJEST

DISCLAIMER: ALMOST ALL DETAILS IN THE FOLLOWING “NEWS REPORTS” ARE A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION AND HAVE BEEN EXAGGERATED TO TITILATE THE READERS. NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE BEING WRITTEN ABOUT HERE.

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HEAD: TIWARI QUITS POST; OFFERED BRAND AMBASSADOR’S JOB

COPY: A.P Governor N.D.Tiwari, 84, has resigned after he was found in bed with 3 women in a compromising position. A source close to Tiwari claimed that Tiwari often complained of “being very lonesome at nights”. However, in a positive development, a leading Shilajit company has approached him to be their brand ambassador. A spokesperson for the brand said that they had been long searching for a ‘macho’ personality to associate with their brand. In Tiwari they seem to have struck two distinct qualities- a phallic urge to experiment and a seasoned veteran of many ‘lonely’ battles.

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HEAD: RAKHI SAWANT DONATES IMPLANTS FOR RAISING AWARENESS

COPY: Rakhi Sawant has decided to permanently end her partnership with her trusted aides and has taken the first step to being “all natural”. The pictures of Sawant proudly showing off her unreal assets, a souvenir that adorns millions of screen savers worldwide, is now only a grim remainder of the Sawant of old. On being asked the reason behind the move, Sawant claimed that it was aimed at creating awareness for breast cancer and the move was inspired by a recent Facebook campaign for the same cause. On the day this news was reported by the mainstream media, the stock market crashed 465 points under mysterious circumstances. Stock analysts are yet to establish a conclusive link between the two busts.

In other Rakhi Sawant news, Sawant has also admitted to having sent her clean under-linen to the censor board to protest against their move to censor certain words in a song that she features in. She claimed to be ‘inspired’ by last year’s Pink Chaddi campaign.

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HEAD: AVIKA GOR’S AWARD RAISES ZOOZOO HOPES

COPY: Avika Gor, the female protagonist of the nation’s favourite “Balika Vadhu” has been awarded the Rajiv Gandhi child prodigy award for her acting. The Vodafone zoozoos were understandably upset at losing out this year and one of them claimed that giving away the award to Gor has “hurt their sentiments”. The zoozoos, however, are a spirited bunch and displaying firm faith in Providence said that they will raise the bar this year and try harder for the award.

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HEAD: NAKED ZOOZOOS OUTRAGE NATION’S MODESTY

COPY: Hundreds of workers of a political party barged into the offices of Ogilvy and Mather in Mumbai and smashed some tables and windows. The party claimed that O&M’s zoozoo ads were a “vulgar depiction of the human body that went against the Indian culture”. The party also presented the ad agency traditional saris to cover up the female zoozoos and give an Indian touch to the ads.

A few weeks earlier, the office of O&M was attacked by a different political party claiming that the “white” zoozoos were “playing on Indian insecurities” and “reinforcing fairness as an ideal”. The zoozoos seemed defiant but this reporter could not be sure owing to a language barrier. However, the words “soft target” could be heard distinctly amongst all the frantic protests.

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HEAD: AGEING MAYAWATI STATUES CONFUSE STATE

COPY: The pollution in and around the state of Uttar Pradesh seems to have taken a toll on Mayawati’s statues. Many observers of the state of UP have claimed that the statues are not only turning “darker” but also seem to be “ageing at a considerable pace”. These independent observers also stated that the living conditions of these statues will reflect poorly on the state and the present Government. A full fledged investigation has been launched by the state police to probe if political sabotage is the reason. However, until the cause and the culprits are found the UP Govt. has ordered a million bottles of Olay Total Effects as a stop gap solution after watching an ad featuring filmstar Kajol.

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HEAD: SWINE FLU DEADLIER THAN ANTHRAX: AL QAEDA

COPY: After many years of staying silent in the face of repeated US allegations, Al Qaeda today has come out in the strong defense of Iraq’s slain leader Saddam Hussein. A leader of the organization claimed that the biological warfare that Saddam and other religious extremists were accused of waging had caused fewer casualties than the swine flu epidemic that hit the world last year. The leader, who could not be identified, also blamed USA and Mexico for spreading the epidemic to the world. The leader also threatened the Western World with dire consequences if they tried to spread Swine Flu to Afghanistan or other Arabic countries.

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HEAD: TV CHANNEL EXPOSES ALIENS

COPY: After stating that the demand and prices of sugar was likely to come down in the following years due to diabetes, Union Agriculture minister Sharad Pawar has said that the price of milk is likely to rise in the coming months. The reason behind this rise was not disclosed to the media.

However, in another fine example of investigative reporting, IndiaTV has exposed what could be the real reason for the scarcity of milk in the country. The following are some exclusive tv grabs from the channel.

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THAT’S ALL FOLKS!!!

Relapse

“Stop. I can’t bear it anymore. I’m gonna fall. Move in. Please, stop pushing,” a man yelled at the top of his voice. He stood at the door and addressed no one in particular. I wondered what was wrong with him. The man suddenly collapsed on the floor as if hit on the chest by some force. I moved near to help him. He wouldn’t stir. I wondered if he was dead. He couldn’t be. Loud voices were coming from elsewhere. I got up and started walking towards the voices. A group of men stood in the center of another room. The mood was angry-inexplicably so. They thought someone had stolen their hard earned money. They were sure they had been duped.

“I want my money back,” one screamed.

“Me too. I trusted them. I gave it to them,” another joined in.

Then all hell broke loose. Everyone was fuming. They wanted their money-hook or crook. I wondered what this place was. Had the world gone insane? Was humanity falling apart?

A hand grabbed me by my neck.

“Are you God?” He had kept a knife on my neck. I looked into his eyes and I knew I would soon be dead. No voice came out. I barely managed to shake my head. He left me and caught another man’s neck instead. Only this time he slit it and laughed as blood gushed out. By then I was paranoid. People here would kill me for no reason whatsoever. I sank to my knees. I didn’t want to see anyone else.

Suddenly, out of nowhere a mob emerged. They lifted me to my feet.

Their question was fairly simple. “Hindu ya Muslim?”

Then one of them pointed at my beard. “Muslim, Muslim,” he cried.

They circled me. I was like a sitting duck. Before I could say something blows fell on me. I couldn’t see anything. I put my arms on my head and fell on the ground. They were relentless. Some kicked, some yelled abuses. There was blood on the ground-it was mine. I couldn’t breathe. I was going to die. Surely this was my end. I gasped for breath.

I found myself sitting on my bed and yelling as loud as I could. Sweat poured from my body. My eyes were open and yet all I could see was an uncomfortable blackness. All I could hear was my own voice. I was alone. I heard my door open. Lights were switched on and two men in similar white clothes walked in. I yelled harder. They would kill me. I knew it.

“Shut him up,” one of them said “or he’ll wake up the others.”

“What does it take to have a peaceful night around here?” the second one said looking at me in disgust.

In a few minutes I felt at ease. My head felt lighter. The lights were switched off again. Silence returned. I slept peacefully- until the next day.