6 days down and you can already feel that 2012 is being a jerk and not just your average sleep-with-you-and-never-call-you-ever-again jerk. The kind of jerk that’ll let an entire nation starve while he throws down £350,000 a year on expensive Hennessy VSOP cognac ...
|Kim Jong il's alcohol addiction: an artist's impression|
... and invents the hamburger but only for University students.
Speaking of wishful thinking, here's my list of stuff that'll go down in 2012, in no particular order.
1) ANNA HAZARE FASTS. AGAIN.
It’s obvious that, having done it twice already in 2011, Anna Hazare will go on a fast (Fast-onto-death for three days and weather conditions permitting) again for the Lokpal Bill.
A cornered Manmohan Singh will of course try a last-ditch attempt to make Anna the Prime Minister for a day, but fail. (Apparently that shit only works in celluloid.)
Meanwhile, a big company, probably Kent water purifiers, will offer Team Anna an endorsement deal entailing that Anna break his fast with their product.
|This water smells like soap!|
Take it from me, as a brand trying to make it in the cluster-fuck world of advertising, you can’t buy that sort of visibility anywhere. Unless you advertise in porn. Or pay Baba Ramdev to get your brand logo tattooed on his body.
|You want a piece of that?|
2) SACHIN GETS A FILMFARE
I don’t know if Sachin will ever complete his 100th century. OR if he'll complete 100 half centuries before his 100th century. I don’t know if he’ll get the Bharat Ratna. And I don’t know why anyone would want to buy his autobiography at $ 75,000 just cause it’s got traces of his blood.
QUESTION: Just who the fuck wants to put so much money into a book just cause it’s got traces of some famous guy’s blood?
|PICTURED: Target demographic|
But I can tell you this: Them folks at Filmfare will give Sachin an award. Because, as you must have heard by now, SACHIN TENDULKAR ISN’T A CRICKETER. HE’S AN ACTOR.
While he hasn't worked in anything worthwhile, it’s only a matter of time that he gets offered a movie.
Of course, with Sachin turning to acting, the veritable Vinod Kambli, whose only known area of expertise is explaining the mindset of Sachin Tendulkar, will get an half hour slot on a TV channel reviewing movies. Possibly after having been rejected the role of playing dutiful sidekick to Tendulkar which eventually went to Johnny Lever.)
3) END OF THE WORLD? NO SWEAT!
Remember Armageddon? Or Independence Day? Or the Die Hard franchise? Or Rambo?
Or Osama bin Laden in real life? If you do, then you know for a fact that no matter what horror threatens the sanity of the world as it were, the Americans have got our back.
A crack team comprising Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Steven Segal, Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li and Mel Gibson will be assembled. The elite team of course will be accompanied by THIS MAN.
The plot will involve time travel, tomfoolery, chicanery, medieval kick-assery and doing what the Americans do best: entering foreign countries illegally to fuck with them over the flimsiest excuses. All this to retrieve a part of Mayan calendar from a evil coven of witch doctors to save the world.
Why is a part of the Mayan calendar being hidden in a different continent altogether, you ask?
I could tell you. But then I’d have to kill you.
So, what I’m saying is, a lot of shit will go down this year.
My advice? Use sunscreen.
Whether you’re off in Africa fighting bloodthirsty witch doctors or sitting on a fast-onto-death or catching a Sachin movie at a theater near you.
That's all, folks. And in the words of Anna Hazare, ‘Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish’